by J. Francis Black
How many of us have been in this situation – we make an important and life changing resolution, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, obtaining another job, developing a better attitude about life, or having better relationships with others, yet weeks after making this resolution we find ourselves stagnant, having made little change. This may lead us to feelings of failure, guilt, anger, or futility, which often leaves us feeling worse than prior to making our resolution. Making the decision to change can be quite easy, but going through the process of change can at times feel nerve wracking because it requires us sacrifice pieces of ourselves with the faith that things will work out for the best. In that sense, going through the process of change can seem very risky. Below are some barriers we build that can create resistance to change.
1. We see our identities as tied to our old way of being
When we know ourselves as one way for so long it may be difficult to see ourselves in a different light, especially as we prepare to make meaningful life changes. For instance, long term cigarette smokers may find it difficult to see themselves as nonsmokers because the habit is so embedded in their daily schedules, and smoking might become a coping mechanism to deal with life’s stresses. Therefore, if they are resolved to quit smoking, they may find it difficult to do so. Or, those that desire to change careers may be discouraged from moving into a different position if they cannot imagine themselves in a completely different field. Which begs the question, what identities are we tied to that prevent us from accomplishing our goals and resolutions? More importantly, what feelings and emotions are attached to our identities, and how do they hold us back? The cigarette smoker might say feelings of anxiety prevent them from quitting cigarettes, and the person that desires career change might identify a fear of failure as an obstacle to success. Once we are able to reflect and answer these questions, it is important to thank and acknowledge who we were while preparing to become who we want to be.
2. We defend patterns that feel safe, although they aren't beneficial to change
How often have we held a desire in our hearts only to then be held back by patterns that prevent us from actualizing that desire? For instance, many of us have the resolution to exercise more often and eat in a more balanced way; yet do not dedicate more time to our health because of busy and demanding schedules. When others ask us about our resolution, we may say “Well I wanted to go running after work, but cannot find the time, with staying after work late and then having to run errands for my family.” In this case, we would have allowed our old patterns of running errands after long days of work to prevent us from achieving a goal of personal health. I’ve allowed patterns to hold me back. When I moved to a new city a few years ago, I was afraid to drive. I was used to wide lanes and open roads, and not congested city streets. I habitually took public transportation, because I didn’t want to get into an accident, but I really wanted to explore city life. However, I realized that my commuting patterns were based on unfounded fears, which prevented me from truly enjoying the people and places that were part of this wonderful new city I had moved to. I also recognized that I had to challenge my fear and assumptions by getting behind the wheel without anxiety or fear. We may find new experiences, and the capacity to achieve our goals, by defying our old patterns rather than defending them.
3. We let what ifs turn into I cant’s
When we choose to make a positive change within our lives, we often allow our imaginations to run wild with the possibilities of that decision. This can be incredibly positive when we consider all of the benefits we will potentially receive from implementing our resolution. For instance, how many of us have decided to play the lottery, and then imagined all of the wonderful things we would do with our winnings? In that moment we are not thinking about the ramifications and challenges of playing the lottery, beyond losing a dollar or two. Rather, we are excited by all of the possibilities. Yet, when we make the choice to change an aspect of our lives, we may not get excited by the possibilities. Instead we might find ourselves placing massive ‘what if’ barriers in our way – what if I apply for a new opportunity and do not get it, what if I decide to move to a new location and do not like it, what if I make a major purchase but then lose my job, etc. While questioning our decisions is very normal, it becomes a different story when those ‘what ifs’ become I cant’s – I can’t apply to that awesome job because I may not get it, I can’t move to a new city because I might not like it, I can’t buy a new home because I may lose my job, etc. However, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could view our life changing resolutions as if we are playing the lottery, by allowing our imaginations to consider all of the wonderful things that could happen once we made necessary changes in our lives?
J. Francis Black is a certified life coach with a master's degree in social work. Please share how you have overcome resistance to change in the comments section. Also, share this post with your friends and loved ones if you feel that this is something that speaks to them. If you are interested in receiving a free life path coaching exercise and 30 minute life coaching consultation, please contact me.